I’ve been thinking about this for a while, I know it might sound a bit nasty: which is more important to him, Kung-Fu or me? I don’t know if it’s all human being or just me but I find myself becoming greedier and greedier and I don’t like that at all. About a year and a half ago, he said he thought me as important as his family and Kung-Fu which made me feel so honoured and think I’d want nothing more. But to be honest all I’m thinking now is, we just got engaged! How can you just “ditch” me and go on a week-long trip where you can’t even make phone calls?!
It’s good that I let it out. The guilt of having that thought bothers me. I’d always kept this just between the 2 of us. When he was doing the year-abroad in China he made frequent trips to Hong Kong to practise Kung-Fu. There he had to use a different mobile number and it wasn’t very easy for him to top-up when he was staying with his Si-going’s family, let alone he couldn’t keep his phone with him when he was training. Because of both of our bad internet connection, phone calls were the only way for us to communicate with each other in that long-distance relationship. LDs are hard, it’s like if my parents in China can’t get hold of me after trying for more than 24 hours, they’ll start to worry. Same for Nicola and Andrew with Ben. When that kind of things happen too often, I get upset, although I’m trying hard not to be.
About six months ago, we briefly talked about the suitable time to get engaged. He said he wasn’t ready yet because he thought I still put my dad before him. I was shocked. I’m my dad’s only child and he is my hero and my role model. I agreed that after getting married the wife should regard her husband as the most important man of her life, but I didn’t think that should be the condition for a man to decide if he wants to marry a woman. He said as long as he didn’t feel that I put him before my dad, he wouldn’t think he was ready to marry me. And I said how can I put you before my dad when we’re not married? We had a tearful argument and at that moment I really didn’t know how to continue our relationship.
But we never thought of giving it up, never ever. There were times we argued every day and got each other really, really angry. He’d slam the door and I’d say horrible things, but after cooling down we’d always have a nice, long talk to straight things out. Friends and families might think we know each other’s languages very well and have been lived together for almost a year, so there shouldn’t be any significant cultural differences; that was what I thought too. But as we argued more and more and the rose-tintedness started to fade away, we started to find out the unavoidable disparities from religion to food, concepts of filial piety to the ways of bring up children and so on. We have realised that those differences are always going to be there; we cannot ignore them. Compromise has to be done through understanding and negotiation.
I feel a lot better now, letting all these things out. Nicola just came in to say good night and I need to head for bed too. I’m going to London tomorrow to get some fresh air, and have dinner with a friend from uni. Just seven more days to wait and I’ll be fine.
Sleep tight~
P.S. Maybe the “Kung-Fu or me” question I wondered earlier is just like where I should place my dad in relation to Ben now. We’re not married yet so he might take this as his last opportunity to pursue his dreams freely (but could you please do it somewhere with signal next time?). I understand and support that.
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