A completed course & some new clothes!

Last Thursday Ben and I had our second and also last marriage preparation course. It was still full of questionnaires but this time apart from questions like “who do you think should do the laundry” we had a personality assessment. It might sound scary (like what doctors do to patients at a mental hospital) but it turned out to be very helpful and surprisingly accurate!

all the questionnaires

    According to the results I am a “perfect melancholy” with a “peaceful phlegmatic” side, and Ben is a “popular sanguine” also with a “peaceful phlegmatic” side. I like everything in order and am usually cautious about things and reluctant to try new stuff; Ben is more adventurous but doesn’t really plan or think things through beforehand. Haha, it sounds like we are perfect for each other. We are attracted to each other’s characteristics which we don’t have, at the same time we still share some in common. Thus our life strategy should be: try everything with caution, and don’t be lazy! ^^

We are perfect for each other.

    Please allow me to quote from First Letter of St. Paul to the Corinthians 13: 4-8 here (Nicola read it out loud to us at the lesson, and we were all deeply touched).

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud. It is not rude,
it is not self-seeking, it is not easily
angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices
with the truth. It always proceeds. It
always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails…

    Now let’s write about the men’s attire! I’ll hand the stage over to Ben.

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Personally I do not often wear a morning suit. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever needed such a thing before; so Saturday’s adventure was certainly a new one for me. It was difficult, first and foremost, to arrange a date when all the groomsmen, the best man, the groom and the bride were all available. When the date was eventually set for Saturday we selected Godalming’s Anthony Hirewear based on a recommendation from my mum.

Godalming Station

    When we got there (all 5 men and a bride-to-be) the staff at the very small shop were rather surprised! Their website invites groups and drop-ins but I don’t think they’d anticipated the scale of workload we were presenting them with. I would later find out that they usually expect the bride and groom to come alone first, and then have the groomsmen come later. Unfortunately our rather unique timeframe didn’t allow for this.

    Despite their initial reluctance and slight exasperation at our collective lack of knowledge regarding suits, suit hire and what it was that we actually wanted, they soon warmed to the idea of sorting us out and became very friendly and helpful, surpassing the standard set by their highly worded recommendation.

    They suggested morning suits which I happily agreed to as I like the idea of a posh coat and tails for such a special day. As the groom I was the first model and we quickly settled on a black coat with striped trousers and a gold waistcoat, a classic English design apparently. We originally opposed the striped trousers and asked if we could switch for plain black, “no” was the answer. Because of the lack of contrast, a black trouser-coat-combo looks silly in pictures, so stripy it is. As groom I will wear a gold cravat to distinguish me from the others all wearing red which keeps our Christmas theme. A detail that may be hard to notice in the pictures is that the waistcoat is embroidered with Chinese dragons, a fitting touch we all felt.

the first two tries: red cravat & grey suit

The final piece!

with bestman Doug

Hair down!

Groomsman No.1: Ben’s 1st younger brother John-Jo

Groomsman No.2: Ben’s 2nd younger brother Ali

Groomsman No.3 (usher): Ben’s 3rd younger brother Marcus

a close-up shot of the waistcoat: dragons

    All in all it was an interesting day and all our goals were met. We were taught how to tie cravats, (just like normal ties but with a fatter knot) and we got our order booked. I’d like to take a moment to thank the willing best man and groom’s men for their co-operation and unfailing patience and also the staff of Anthony Hirewear, Godalming who were thoughtful, welcoming and skilled in all areas of their trade and are highly recommended for all your formal attire needs. Ok, next stop, car hiring!

Dinner at My Old Place

My family-to-be!

The Carter Boys – 11 years later~

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♥The Flashback Corner♥

Ok, for this flashback corner here’s my version of the time Miki and I met. This is going to be embarrassing so readers prone to squirming at outpourings of emotion look away now! (I will be looking away as I type.)

    As Miki explained I was happily sitting doing my homework at university with a group of friends from class. As a second year Chinese student I was beginning to feel like I was making some headway with the language and getting to grips with the basics quite well. All of a sudden this unbelievably cute Chinese girl walked into the hall dressed in a thick white coat and blue top. I didn’t know who she was but I thought I’d very much like to get to know her. In typical embarrassed fashion I fixed my eyes on my book as she sat next to me and studiously avoided saying anything at all, it was then that Richard, already a mutual friend told her to look at my work, “perfect!” I thought, “My Chinese is sure to impress!” I leaned back so she could see and heard “You wrote that character wrong.” My heart sank and I looked again at my homework. Oh no. I had meant to write “how are you?” and because the last character was wrong it read “you good horse.” Caught out on an elementary mistake so simple by this lovely girl, what a way to start!

“How to survive being married to a Catholic?”

Today I’d like to write about my spiritual preparation for our marriage and I apologise in advance that this is going to be a wordy entry with fewer pictures. If you are not interested in the survival of a Catholic marriage please feel free to skip this entry.

    Last Thursday Ben and I had our first marriage preparation lesson. It was given by Andrew and Nicola at home, and we were joined by another couple, who are getting married in August. Before the lesson I was quite uneasy; I was worried it might be one of those lessons which scare people with all the difficulties of a married life, but it turned out that my worry was very unnecessary. Although we did talk about the common differences between males and females, and the problems that might rise from them, it was done in a humorous and relaxing way. Andrew and Nicola gave us quite a few interesting questionnaires. For each question we needed to think of answers both for ourselves and for each other in order to see how well we understood each other. The result was encouraging and it helped us to see what aspects we needed to improve on.

the questionnaires

    Nicola bought me a book called How to Survive Being Married to a Catholic and I finished in 3 days. It’s a very good book and it answered a lot of my questions, but at the same time raised quite a few, too. Every time a new question came up I’d go to talk to Ben and it always ended up in a lengthy discussion. I think we both enjoyed this experience and Ben said he’d like to read it as well after all his exams are finished this week.

How to Survive Being Married to a Catholic

    I think it’s important for me to openly state my religious belief at this point. Although Ben and I have discussed and discussed (or rather, argued and argued) about it many times, it is still necessary for me to record it now; so in the future when I (or our children) look back, we can see the wonderful changes that took place in me.

    My father is a Chinese Communist Party member (they must be atheist), and my mother believes in Buddha. My grandmother (my father’s mother) has been a devoted Christian for over 50 years. I was born into such a religiously mixed family background so my views toward religion were quite messed up.

my religious upbringing

    My grandmother used to read me Bible stories when I was little, and she took me to her church once, but I didn’t enjoy it at all. I was only 6 or 7 then. It was a cold and rainy day and the priest kept weeping when preaching; so did the audience. It was like attending a funeral and I found that so scary that I cried out loud too, and refused to go with her ever again. My first church experience was cold, wet, sad and scary.

    She never gives up trying to talk me into Christianity though. But the only impression I get from her is if you pray to God, you can go to heaven instead of hell, so “God” has become a scary, pushy and unreasonable being to me and I rebelled against him. On top of that, all the schools I went to in China taught us Marxism and Maoism and I became an atheist like my dad.

    On the other hand, God and the church have always been part of my life. I went to a Catholic school in England and joined the choir (just to get to know more people and practise my English). And the landlady I stayed with for 3 years is also a Christian and I’d go to church with her on Sundays when I had the time. But I never felt I was part of the community and still kept rejecting God’s existence. At that time I was only thinking that if I went to church I could please my grandmother.

my choir days

receiving a “singing medal” from the school’s chaplain

    If I keep going on like this I can write for another 3 pages. Now I’ll write about my basic understanding of Catholicism at this moment, and my stand point and psychological preparation of marrying Benedict Edmond Paul Carter.

1. Catholics are not “above” us; they are ordinary human beings as well, and they make mistakes just like we do. I think this is absolutely crucial for me to understand. Due to the lack of acknowledgement of that, I used to have unreasonable expectations of Ben (like asking him to change a 10-year-old habit and require it a.s.a.p.) and that caused a lot of arguments. I used to lash out on God whenever Ben failed to do what I asked him to do, even doubting the validity of Christianity. That was very wrong of me. Vice versa, if I failed to do something, I’d be very hurt if my parents got the blame too, as I was blaming God; it’s not fair. If we have let each other down, we shouldn’t blame each other but look for the real reason and what we can do for each other to make things better.
2. Although I have no obligation to become a Catholic after getting married, I should still show my full support and cooperation to Ben and in the upbringing of our children (they need to be brought up as Catholics). The book, however, is very “itchy” about that matter. It says that it’s absolutely the Catholic partner’s responsibility in the children’s religious upbringing and the non-Catholic half needn’t carry the burden. To me that sounds wrong. On agreeing to spend the rest of my life with Ben I’m aware what it means and what it’s asking me for. I don’t think a family can be truly harmoniously happy if the parents have significant disparity in religious beliefs but the children are only required to follow one of them. I think the non-religious partner needs to compromise. I will get as much involved as possible in my future family’s Catholic life and I’ll let our children know that even though I may not be one of them yet, I still highly respect God and think very highly of Catholicism. I hope our children can be loyal to God, like their father, and at the same time be respectful to other people’s religions and beliefs (living in China you can’t get away with that, really).
3. Catholics don’t allow divorce and artificial-contraception, let alone abortion. I used to take the “non-divorce” strategy as a safety net and think it as a wonderful solution to a happy marriage. But if Ben and I don’t work on our marriage hard enough, it can still end up being a bitter one. As for contraception, I shall not discuss it here because it is a highly personal matter, but I strongly support that idea after learning the reason behind it; and abortion is unbearable to me anyway.

    It’s very difficult for me to write my feelings down all at once so I’ll stop here today. Sorry if I’ve bored you tremendously. Meanwhile I’m very looking forward to the next marriage preparation session and it’s time to start packing my bags, we’re going to China soon!

We’re gonna get married here soon!

“Four Weddings”, family trees and anniversaries

Nicola suggested me watching “Four Weddings” to have a boost of wedding ideas since I hardly have any due to lack of experience ^^. It is about four brides-to-be going to each other’s weddings and rating them; the one who gets the highest score wins a deluxe honeymoon to a wonderland with sunshine+beach 24/7. I admit for the first half an hour I thought it was a hideous programme. I thought some of their “dream wedding” plans to be very bizarre – I don’t want to be dressed like a cucumber or vampire for my wedding! But what touched me were the brides’ feelings towards their big days and their Mr Rights, especially the ones who lost. Every one of them thought THEIR wedding was the best and the most perfect, however wrong it might seem to other people. I really like that attitude, and that spirit has taken some pressure off me. I used to treat the wedding almost like a piece of coursework, but now I see the difference: the coursework can go wrong and receive a low mark; a wedding is always gonna end up well for two people who truly love each other.

    Nicola also asked me to make a family tree in order to have a clearer idea of who is who in my family just in case they all come to the wedding and there happens to be a Chinese delivery man there. I really, really enjoyed this job! I had never made a family tree before because there are not many of them and my memory hasn’t gone bad yet. But when I was making it I felt how people are connected to each other and 2 people’s love can create a miracle. I became addicted and made Ben’s family tree too. I’m going to combine them 2 and make it into a poster and put it on our walls in the future, so our children will constantly be reminded how miraculous they are~

    I went to a couple of wedding anniversaries in the past few weeks (including Andrew and Nicola’s of course) and there is nothing more pleasant, before Ben and I get married, to see strong couples one pair after another celebrating their lives together. My parents reached their silver as well 2 years ago, although it is not my family’s tradition to throw a party about it (I think we really should), the love between them is growing grander and grander every day. It may be true that the divorce rate has rocketed, but let’s not be affected by that. I think a marriage means 2 people love, stay and help each other through thick and thin for the rest of their lives. As long as we have faith in that, we will always be fine whatever waits for us ahead.

my parents on their wedding day

in their silver year

Nicola & Andrew at their silver anniversary party

^^